Contemporary notions of this being

The thought of taking back moments and memories I had created with certain people has been hitting me a lot recently.

I mean this isn't an original or striking thought or anything, but for someone who never usually regrets the past but rather sees it as an experience or an opportunity to learn and grow and build their story on, the feeling of it is quite odd and uncomfortable.
I'm sitting in an in - between. I don't regret what has happened, but I'm not proud of it and would've been much better off without it.
My mind keeps wandering off to thoughts of "what should have been" and "why didn't I see this coming earlier" and "why didn't I do what was right for ME all this time".

It's really frustrating and makes it so difficult to move on, but knowing me I know that in the next couple of days, I'll wake up and be like "Oh what? That was easy. Why'd I take that so seriously lol".
(Update:That day was today.)
I mean anyway, in the long run I know that this will hardly matter and that eventually there will be other things on my mind and this will just be one of those things that I'll easily brush under the rug. But I'm here right now, and it would be really great if I could just wipe the slate.

Well that's one thing that has been on my mind recently.

I guess I'll share some of the other and better things too -

1. Great friendships have remained and I'm closer than ever to some of the best people in my life.

2. I have passed through yet another round of filtration from the toxicity that had resided in life in the form of humans (these are what I am most grateful).


3. Drawing and illustrating the simplest of things (I finished one about 5 minutes ago, it gives me immense joy)

4. A renewed love for English lessons.

5. Admiration for a newly discovered artist on Instagram:@meredithplayground

6. A fresh environment to focus in (it's taking me places I tell you).

7. I've also written one of my longest poems yet, but much like my other poetry, I have alternative plans for it than to publish it here (which I am so excited to act upon in the future).

8. Realising my self worth and giving myself more love.


One of my all time faves from @meredithplayground

This is Celine


This is her, this is Celine.


Gloomy day, spontaneous outing and an extraordinary friend. 

There are some people you see, find interesting but never think you'd get along with. Life has a funny way to throw you into awkward situations that force you to interact. 

Year 9 maths: 
"She doesn't bite". 
However, Celine wasn't convinced, but also had no other choice but to sit next to me. We had been in each other's company only once before, then too she wasn't too keen. 
Celine an artist, me not-so-much an artist, bonded over our disinterest in maths, drawing together and making up absurd stories. 

Celine is a carefree spirit. Beautiful, talented and caring. Our friendship is something I'd refer to as a 'low maintenance'. We don't see each often, or have too many talks, but when we are in each other's presence, it's unduly natural.         

(Also, recently made another video: BYGONE DAYS)

Process of Introspection

A lots been going on, a lot has happened. 
I've grown, I've learned. 
I've felt, I've been destroyed.
I've loved, I've recovered.
I've found good in the world, in people, in places. 
I've learnt to be with myself. 
I've found what I enjoy doing and I've practiced my passions. 
I've experienced.
I'm happy. 

The past few months have been an absolute roller coaster and regardless of all the shit that's happened, that I would've been better off without, it's helped me grow and realise how much good there still is in the world. 

I've found joy in the littlest of things. 
I've bonded with people I hadn't even known of.
I've seen people and places in a new light. 

Currently my ultimate mood risers: 
1. Listening to upbeat Hindi songs on full volume and dancing the heck out
2. Talking and being in the company of the best people in my life 
3. Slow car drives with all windows down
4. Writing poetry in the spur of the moment and spilling my heart and soul out 
5. Making lil spontaneous and random videos 

Throughout all of this, sitting here right now, thinking back to the times before all this begun, it's just funny to see how things have changed. How life has played out and how this path has been laid and where it's leading to. 

I've never let myself enjoy the good times, in the fear that when the bad times approach again, it'll be harder for me to deal with it. But, it's what's caused me to be so unhappy in the first place. It's what had led me to make those "downs" so much worse for myself, cause then I didn't even have the "ups" to look forward to. 

I don't know what you'd call it, weather it's just progression, realisation or simply just growing up and moving the fuck on, but something has clicked in me recently and I've been floating. 

Thank you to those who've been in my life and taught me more about myself. Thank you to those who still are and provide the best support and company many could only dream of. Thank you to those who've stayed in the background, but always emerged when I've been needy and thank you to myself for letting me enjoy all of this.


For Caitlin, Aneesha, Aleena, Ishani, TJ, Nabilah, Celine, my family, and for all those who've always been there for me. 
I cherish all of you so incredibly much and am so very thankful to have you all by my side.
To each one of you; I love you. 

Past


it hasn't been long 
since you left
i still sense your presence 
in every step 

memories of the times
you held my thighs and 
i still feel your eyes on me as i undress 

you appear sometimes at the corner 
but always escaping, before i have the time

i long to once again suffer your love
your hands, around my neck 
my fondness for agony caused by you